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September 8th, 2006

10:12 pm This is a time of change. BIG change. I've decided that I can either focus on what I don't have or what I DO have and I prefer the latter. What I do have is... A best friend who would do anything for me, who I can call at any time of day or night and is helping me get my life in order. She spent 5 hours here last night helping me organize and fix my room to make it more livable here. And it worked. For the first time, this actually feels a little bit like home. I have an amazing group of friends who think that I am worthwhile and who truly care about me. Friends who are extremely generous with time, advice and even money. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. I have the cutest dog in the world who can always cheer me up. I have a job that I absolutely love and am good at and I have 30 horses that are more or less in my care. I love them all and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I have a boss who values me and has gone above and beyond in the generosity category. I am relatively healthy and striving to keep myself that way. I may not have much in the way of material possessions, but what I do have is all I need. If all else fails, I know that I am loved. Right now I am so happy, so confident, so free and so proud of myself for ignoring my fears and making the correct decisions. Today is a good day. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Tool - The Pot

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September 4th, 2006

06:24 pm - Randomness. Vodka and orange juice will be the death of me. Or perhaps the 110 heat which I work 9 hours a day in. Blah. I can't wait until it cools down. Tina took me to Hollywood last night and we saw The Wickerman. It was very predictable but still good. Not much else to report. I'm hanging in there. Life is weird right now but I have so many opportunities presenting themselves right now and I feel like I'm going to be okay. In horse news, I jumped Mac over a 3'6" oxer last week and he was AMAZING. It was so fun to jump a decent height again and I love riding him. But then of course Jane decided that he was suitable as a school horse and started letting other people ride him. Today she let Emilie jump him over a tiny vertical and he took off bucking and she fell off. Tina and I were watching and I told her that Mac wasn't happy and was going to take off and he did. *sigh* I know that horse so well and I know exactly how to ride him. He needs a very specific ride and he should not be used as a lesson horse. Maybe Jane will finally understand now. I'm not trying to be selfish and keep him for myself but he's a quality horse and I don't want him to be ruined. Halle has been SO good the last few days. She's really coming along nicely but she's another one that could be ruined if Jane tries to make her a school horse too quickly. I need a few more months with her first. I've also been riding Accordingly a lot and she has been great. She might even be able to start jumping soon. I'm even starting to try dressage. Tina has given me a few lessons on Libby and it's actually pretty fun. I used to hate it but now I'm starting to appreciate it. I love the fact that I'm riding really nice horses right now. It makes my job so much more interesting. Current Mood: hot Current Music: Tool - H

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September 2nd, 2006

10:12 pm - Sleepless Fun day. I love T and K. And of course my ponies. Now I'm here... alone. Nights are hard. Right now I miss her even more than him. Fuck. I have to be stronger than this. Work again tomorrow. Sundays suck. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: none

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August 30th, 2006

08:26 pm - Here I stayed here tonight... trying to be strong. Tomorrow I'll go back to her place for another night but tonight I need to prove to myself that I can be here by myself. I'm okay. I miss him. But I'm okay. So much to think about... so much to do. So tired. I love my horses and I love my job but it's too fucking hot right now. It's draining what little strength I do have. Right now I'm running on borrowed strength from my friends. I have so many true friends and such a real support system for the first time in my life. I have a best friend who I can tell anything to. I am going to heal. I am going to be okay. Sorry if none of this makes sense... I'm just rambling... it helps me sort things out. On a lighter note... from our adventures last night... Best quote ever: "You're fun to hang out with. It's like being friends with an alien." Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Radiohead - Street Spirit

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August 29th, 2006

10:57 pm I got out tonight and it was nice. My sanity is slightly restored. Tina took me to see Snakes on a Plane at the Grove. I love Hollywood and forgot how much I've missed that area. The movie was so poorly written but somehow it was still good. Now I'm back home and wishing I could sleep. There's that fucking word again. Home. I don't have one right now. I like it here. I don't want to leave but I know I can't get too comfortable. I have to go back. I have to be strong and face all my demons. But I still wish I could stay here and hide. I just want to be held. Current Mood: blank Current Music: none

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06:20 pm - ..... "Do I have to go home tonight?" "Not if you don't want to. I like the company." "I don't want to be alone yet." "You're not. Come on, stay here one more night." "One more night..." Fuck. I am so out of sorts right now. My world is upside down and I am spinning. I don't want to go back there. I know I can't stay here forever, but I feel okay here. I feel safe. Almost like home. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I walk around in a daze. I forget to eat. She's feeding me now. They all are. Making sure I'm alright. We'll see... I worked today... rode Mac, Halle, Orsino, Keester and Harrison and then took Libby on a trail and galloped to the top of the mushroom. I grabbed onto her mane and let her go. The wind stung my eyes and I couldn't breathe. It felt great. I felt free. I love my horses. They are my sanity. And my friends, they are my strength. Current Mood: numb Current Music: A Perfect Circle - The Outsider

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August 23rd, 2006

07:16 pm - Things... I can't believe it's almost the end of August and summer is almost over. Time has been absolutely flying lately. There's only one more week of camp left and then everyone goes back to school. It's going to be very strange being the only one at the barn again. At the beginning of the summer I was so dreading camp but it turned out to be quite enjoyable. There were only a few kids each week and it was nice to have the company of the teenage counselors. We actually had a lot of fun and they have become good friends. I still got to ride more than enough horses and even made a lot of progress with many of them. I've been riding Mac every day and jumping several times a week. He has been incredible. We're jumping entire courses at 2'9" - 3' including oxers and the coop. He's even starting to get the concept of flying lead changes. I really think that I have gained his trust and that's why he's behaving so differently now. I love this horse so much. I wish I had enough money to buy him but for now I'm happy to be training him. I'm just worried that soon Jane will think he's ready for the students to ride and then I won't be able to ride him anymore. That's the hard part of this job... getting too attached. Halle has been wonderful too. She's really calming down and jumping nicely. I've worked so hard with these horses and it's hard to let them go. I've been hanging out with Tina a lot lately. She has been so wonderful to me. She gave me a pair of brand new half chaps the other day because mine were ripped. Tomorrow we're going to a horse show after I get off work to watch another friend of ours ride. Should be fun. Justin is working late every night this week so it will be good to get out of the house. I'm grateful for a place to live but I really do hate it here and I like to be out of the house (and Glendale for that matter) as much as possible. I've been kind of socially isolated for a while so it's nice to have people to hang out with and places to go while Justin is working or busy. Our schedules really suck right now. We seem to work opposite hours more often than not and we only have one day a week off to spend together. Oh well... we're getting better at making good use of the time we do have and it makes me appreciate him that much more. Tool is playing here in 2 weeks and I can't go. I hate being so poor. Well, I guess that's all I have for now... Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Dredg - Catch Without Arms

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August 10th, 2006

06:51 pm Today was one of the most fun days I've ever had at work. I got to jump Mac and Jane had us start trotting an X... then placed several poles after the X and then eventually a 2'3" vertical (!!) to canter out over. Now, this may not seem like much but considering that 3 months ago I couldn't even get this horse to trot over a miniature X without taking off bucking, it was a MAJOR accomplishment. He was very good and it was extremely fun. All the horses were good today and we had cool campers which is always a plus. During the campers' lunch time, Tina, Deborah and I decided to do some "barn beautification" and throw away all the old broken crap that for some reason never gets tossed. The three of us trying to lug all this stuff around was, I'm sure, quite amusing. T and D have also started to help me rebuild my tack and horse supply collection and every day I find something new in my locker. First it was a hoof pick, then a saddle cover, bell boots, two new brushes, a beautiful brand new white saddle pad and today it was a nice crop. I love those two. Amusing bits from the day: "Buck up B!" "Oh my god, it bit me!" "What?" "A termite!" "Are you on drugs?" "Am I really that anal?" "Yes, but that's why I love you" The drunken ABC song "Let's all have a BBQ and we can cook your chickens" *horrified expression* "What? They're not for eating?" "No, eggs! Only for eggs!" "Yeah, he's neurotic like his owner" "I never knew you were that cool" "Why don't you go answer the phone?" "I did" "Then why is it still ringing?" "It does that sometimes" Current Mood: amused Current Music: Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty

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August 5th, 2006

06:06 pm - A good day... Things that made me happy today: -Waking up to hugs and kisses from the man I love. -Looking forward to going to work because I love my job. -Getting the good elliptical machine at the gym. -Getting to ride Mac, Halle, Harrison, Accordingly and Orsino (my five favorite horses which has never happened on the same day before.) -Having a best friend who is one of the best hair dressers in LA and does my hair for free. (I love you Tina!) -Deborah’s gift... and just having a friend like Deborah. -Jane leaving me and Danica to run the barn in the afternoon. -Gill’s connections and generosity. -Smartwater! -Coming home to a clean house. -Jumping the coop. -Hearing a Tool block on KROQ on the way to work and on the way home. -I have the cutest puppy in the world. Current Mood: happy Current Music: None

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July 11th, 2006

06:09 pm - Been a while again... You know how it goes... work, life stuff, more work. Things are good though all in all. June was a pretty rough month. First, I came down with a case of shingles which my doctor told me was from being out at the barn (with no running water, electricity, or even shade) for so many hours at a time, riding too many horses and getting skin irritations and not being able to get out of my sweaty clothes. So I took a week off work and rested and medicated and it looked like I was going to make a quick recovery but then I developed an abscess on my inner thigh. I ended up having to have minor surgery and the abscess was filled with MRSA (that evil resistant staph that was the cause of Justin's problems last year). It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I had to have it opened twice to get all the drainage out and had to have it packed and cleaned out every day. Needless to say, I was out of work for 3 weeks so basically I missed all of June. (Like we weren't having enough financial trouble already) Thankfully Jane was very generous and helped us out. Even better, Justin got the job at Lens Crafters so that really helped. Luckily, my wound healed up fine in a couple of weeks with no relapses so far. Fingers crossed. I'm being more careful at work about staying clean and dry and not riding quite as many horses ever day. It's only a little over a week into July but already things are starting to look up. Justin and I are both back on a regular work schedule and we both have new cars! My parents came to visit last week for my birthday and they helped me with a down payment on a brand new Honda Civic. It's light blue and I love it! They also helped Justin with a down payment on a used car for him which really makes life easier because it was getting crazy trying to get us both around with only one car. My birthday itself was rather boring. Justin had to work and I spent the day at the car dealership getting a security system installed so we decided to do something fun on Monday when we both had the day off. So yesterday we went to Disneyland! I hadn't been there since I was 12 and I had such a blast. We got there early and hit Space Mountain first. It has always been my favorite ride and the new upgrades were very cool. We did a whole bunch of rides and shows... Indiana Jones, The Matterhorn (twice) , Honey I Shrunk the Audience, The Tiki Room, Thunder Mountain (twice, once at night which totally rocked), Winnie the Pooh, Pirates of the Carribean (very cool new additions), The Haunted Mansion, Autopia, and the very cool Fantasma show with fireworks at the end. We also explored Downtown Disney and Mainstreet and I had a blast the whole time. It was probably one of my favorite days ever and I got to spend it with my favorite person ever. We haven't had much time for fun and relaxation lately so it was wonderful to get a chance to just hang out and be together without any stress or problems. Tomorrow it's back to work and despite the 105 degree temperatures out there, I couldn't be happier. It's nice to be back! Current Mood: happy Current Music: The Mission UK - Tower of Strength

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March 13th, 2006

04:46 pm - Birthday... It takes a special occasion to get me to LJ these days... and that's just what today is! Happy Birthday ghostgirl13!! Hope you had a wonderful day! I'm so glad I got to see you at the show this weekend even if it was only for a little bit. Current Mood: okay Current Music: The Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn

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January 17th, 2006

08:09 pm - Home I’ve never been without a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in, but until now I’ve never really had a place to call home. Home is a place that’s secure and protected - so impenetrable that the troubles of the outside world don’t dare enter. Home is a place to be yourself with no reservations or fear of rejection. It’s a place where comfort and joy should reside. For so long I lived in the confines of a home that wasn’t real with only rules and routines to make me feel safe. But that safety was just an illusion and I only felt no pain because I didn’t let anything matter. I was alive but not living and home was a lonely place where I isolated myself to avoid the harshness of reality. But then he came along and broke all my rules. The promises I made that I would never again let anyone into my heart. That I would never give anyone my complete trust, never tell my secrets and never depend on anyone again because everyone I’ve ever known has let me down and I just don’t want to be hurt anymore. I have my issues and plenty of them and I was fearful to let anyone close enough to see. For the outside world I painted a picture of normalcy and stability but below the surface the secrets lurked and I knew if I let anyone in it would only be a matter of time before they scratched right through and I’d have to face them. The moment I first kissed him I knew it wouldn’t be a simple thing to withdraw and retreat like I typically do with excuses and reasons that make no real sense yet I string them together in elaborate sentences that I construct in my head when I try to convince myself of their validity. I fought and I protested, my mind and heart went the full 12 rounds but I couldn’t deny how I felt when I was with him so I stepped out of my sterile comfort zone and he brought me into his world so filled with life and love and I discovered all the things I had been missing. Things I’d forgotten and a kind of love that I never knew existed. I left my sheltered existence and began to explore with him by my side. He comforted and soothed me and allowed me to sleep through the night. He took away the loneliness the fear and the pain. I tried to keep up a barrier to shield him from my problems because I love him so much that I only want him exposed to the good things but he saw right through it and he helped tear down my walls. He helped me heal as he filled me completely in ways that I never even knew I was lacking… like a car without tires, sure it will run but you’ll never get anywhere on an engine alone. He is the thing that makes me complete and allows me to function. I never tire of his company and pathetic as it sounds I even miss him when he’s in the shower only 10 feet away. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I had, whatever trials and tribulations I may have faced, as soon as he walks in the door all is made right and now I smile so freely like I never could before. He is the safe place where I can be silly and geeky, where I can cry, be sick, scared, sad, angry or confused. I look in his eyes and there is no judgment. I cherish his nicknames and I treasure the lyrics he writes for me and the nights when he sings me to sleep, always the same songs but each time a new variation so they never grow old. I value his opinions, I adore his imperfections and admire his way with words… the way he can perfectly articulate everything that he’s feeling. I’m a writer by nature with thoughts in my head that seem to flow effortlessly from my brain to my pen, but when I attempt to verbalize the words all get jumbled and I can’t get them out. So he has to suffice with many “me toos” or “I feel the same” and I know it’s not fair but it’s not because those feelings are absent but rather he captures what I feel so perfectly in ways I can not. My love runs so deep that my words are unable to convey its true extent and I’d rather say nothing at all than trivialize what I feel. Entangled in his arms, nothing else matters. He is my home and I will be his. Age, time, health, careers, money, and looks, they all become insignificant as all we are promised is this very moment. I will stand by his side as the moments unfold and as long as I live he will never be alone again. Every day he can look into my eyes and see that my love is unconditional and will never waiver or flicker, let alone disappear. He is a part of me and I know that I need him forever and just as sure as I need oxygen to breathe I need his love to continue to live. “Home is where the heart is,” the saying goes. My heart is with him and at last I am home. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Forget Her

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November 22nd, 2005

09:06 pm - They're here!!! That's right... the CDs are finally here and they're for sale now!! Please, please support indie music (and of course my label and the band) and buy a copy. Just go Here and click on the "Add to cart" button to get your copy. Thank you SO much!!We've had a pretty good response already for only the 24 hours that they've been available. Things are looking good. :) Ok, back to work. I'll try to do a life update tomorrow if I get a chance. Current Mood: excited Current Music: The Mars Volta - The Widow

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September 24th, 2005

02:09 pm - World on Fire It's ready!!!! World on Fire is now up on the myspace. www.myspace.com/graydaysgone. Go listen! Let me know what you think. We'll have 2 more songs up within the next couple of days. Hope you all like it! *bounces* Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Gray Days Gone - World on Fire

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August 5th, 2005

10:21 am - Explanations... So I recently made a few cuts to my friends list that I suppose I should address. Over the past few weeks I have come to learn some interesting things about people that I once considered friends. Once all the information came out, I came to see that these people are not my friends and never were. All the lies have finally been exposed and these people have proven to be nothing but manipulative and selfish. I've had my suspicions for a while but was never able to put it all together until now. They have hurt people that I care about and I want nothing more to do with them. I have no ill feelings or bad wishes toward anyone at this point. I just want nothing to do with it. I've had enough drama in this last year to last a lifetime. Now I just want to distance myself and not have any contact with anyone who brings negativity into my life or anyone connected to those who do. I don't want to be involved and I don't want to hear about it. I also don't want to keep getting calls and e-mails from paranoid people who think I'm causing drama or talking shit about them. Believe me, I have enough going on in my life right now as it is... I'm not interested in ANY of this. I allowed myself to be sucked into it for too long. I'm making a fresh start now and I'm cutting out all the drama and all the negativity. I wish everyone the best of luck but I don't want negativity and lies in my life anymore. I am now surrounded by people who are loving and caring. I have true friends who don't use me. We can go out and have fun... WITHOUT drama. What a concept. J has helped me to see that I deserve more than that. My life is full of wonderful things right now and I just want to live it and be happy. And because writing is therapeutic... here's a little something I wrote last night. ( All Things Considered ) Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Tool - Eulogy

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May 30th, 2005

10:16 am - Things. This should be.... interesting. *waits for the inevitable phone call* Only 10 more hours til QOTSA!! Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Cracker - Low

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May 24th, 2005

07:41 am - All I really want... ghostgirl13 takes pretty pictures. The beach was fun. Hubcap Corral was excellent. I am tired. That is all. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Tool - Eulogy

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March 29th, 2005

01:26 pm - Press Releases! Go see these shows! Spread the word! ( Automatic Hotel ) ( Powder ) ( Black Horse ) More coming soon! Current Mood: busy Current Music: Modest Mouse - Dramamine

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